Leave no Stone Unturned

I'm currently in Los Angeles, spending a few weeks alone while James is in Europe. I'm using this time to think deeply about what I want my life to look like, how to do that with another person, and how to cultivate happiness in my life. I've made some great great progress this week, and have realized that I have some amazing supporters in my life.

I read an article this morning that discussed the power of negative thoughts, include the usage of the word "no." The big take away was that for every negative you need 3 positives. While I certainly have some doubters and ubber realists in my life, I certainly have at least 3 people for every one negative. If you are reading this, then you are probably one of those positives in my life.

So I'm living in Los Angeles, with the man of my dreams, in a job I hate, waiting for the next part of my life to start. Then I realize, why am I waiting for happiness. I need to address my career concerns. So over the last few weeks I have started this process. I won't give away the outcome, because I don't know what it will be, but I will say that I'm on to something. My next plans include taking an anatomy class, leaving my job by the new year, and doing some teaching in the interim.

The quote that has been suggested by one friend was, "leave no stone unturned." And I would like to add, "only if it looks good." By this I mean that it is not a random process, even though it may feel like it. One must follow the spirit.

In the meantime I am off to Europe shortly. Updates from the trip when I return!

A Biker?

Last Sunday I took my bike out for a ride along the Los Angeles River trail. I ended up riding 16 miles in total, and even stopped off at a friend's house in the middle of the ride. Who knew I would love biking so much? Having a good bike, and the equipement that goes along with it really helps (cool helmet, accessible bike pump, bell).

I think this picture of the terrier sums it up for me. When I'm running or biking I just feel like I'm flying, so I guess my soul is pretty down with it. The release of energy is so rewarding, that it's like getting a message at times.

An Anniversary for Running

A few days ago I realized that it was this time last year that I succumb to the nagging desire to hurl my body through space via my legs: running. I had thought, dreamt and daydreamed about those that could run. While it might have seemed that the next natural conclusion was to just try it out for myself there was at least one major psychological block for me, which was the condition of my body to support the effort.

As previously mentioned in a prior post, I have been living with RA since I was 16 years old. This arthritis has and still does plague many joints in my body, and I have been told by doctors that running would not be the best exercise for me. Not complying with most of their other requests for treatment, I thought why start now. After accepting that the doctors could be wrong, I still had to convince myself that my body would not utterly fail me mid-stride to leave me laying on the ground.

The plan that I came up with was inspired by a 8 week plan by the Mayo clinic to slowly turn a walker into a jogger. The rate at which this would be done was so slow, that I figured I had to at least try it. The recommendation was to start by running 15 seconds and then walk 45 seconds over a 20 minute period, and over time, gradually build up longer spurts of running.

The second part of the plan was to create a course near my home, so I was never all that far away. Should I fall, or otherwise become disabled, I would at least be close enough to home that I could potentially just crawl, which thankfully has never been a necessity. The proximity and general privacy of this path gave me the security to fail. It was also so close and convenient that I had a hard time talking myself out of running the way that one can with getting to the gym.

A few months ago I read an article that was based on a study about runners and their bodies. It stated that the previous held doctrines about the stress of running on the body were incorrect. An average runner that ran a few miles a day was found to actually have stronger joints and longevity than those that did not run, as well as those that ran marathon mileage on a weekly basis. It was proven that running in moderation does not damage one's knees, but actually makes them stronger. This was the redemption that I had psychically knew to be true, which gave me the mental green light on my decision to start running.

This last May in 2012 I ran my first 5K. While I didn't "place," I did accomplish a goal that was an important one for me: to run the whole race and finish with my body intact. I proved something to myself that day, that my body is willing to cooperate with the requests that my mind has imposed, and for me, this is a hugh development after spending the last 13 years of my life trying to figure out why my body was quite literally attacking its self on an cellular level. I am now in training for my first triathlon that will take place this October.

making it public

This evening I made a post to the website: Arthritis is Unacceptable. This is associated with the Arthritis Foundation. Below is the post that 2 years ago would have been too difficult to post, but today I recognize as part of the important process of witnessing.

Thirteen years ago I was diagnosed with a cross over condition of RA and Lupus. After being told at age 16 that I would be on medication for the rest of my life I decided to fight back. I restricted my diet, started yoga and never took any drugs. I may have been luckier than most with my symptoms, but I decided early on that arthritis is unacceptable. This May I will be running my first 5K race. Arthritis is unacceptable just like lack of heath care coverage and all of that subsequent anxiety.

Here is the picture that I posted with it:


Here is a link to take action: http://capwiz.com/arthritis/mlm/signup/?ignore_cookie=1

Diploma Arrival

This evening I received my diploma in the mail. It is exciting to have this piece of paper, but it makes me think: What am I suppose to do now? Since August I've been working and liking the stability, but not the job. The current population I am working with is not for me. I have given myself a year and 2 goals with it. This job has also has also bought myself some time to figure out what is next. But back to the diploma. Its here; validating; and mine. I am happy to have accomplished this long term goal of mine. Now onward!

Job Time

With great fortune I was able to land a full time job out of graduate school, with an MFA no less. It has now been 5 weeks of full-time employment with the organization called Exceptional Children's Foundation. This job comes with full-benefits that the organization pays half of and vacation time. My position is the Site Supervisor at their downtown art studio location. I am responsible for supervising 35 adult students with disabilities and 6 instructors.

I should really be thrilled, but alas I am not. I find myself unhappy working with this population and feel that there is still yet something calling me. Transitioning from the intellectual world of graduate school to social services where I work with limited intellectual capacities has been very difficult. At the very least I think I should be doing public programming or community building, like the job I left that couldn't really pay me for what I was doing.

Another part of the discontentment is the mission of the program. There is a strong focus on the art product that is being produced and not the process of art making. For a lot of the clients there is also a lack of intellectual understanding that makes the workings of the program border on the line of unethical. However, I took the job 1) for the need and 2) to see if there was anyway that I could improve the program.

In the meantime this job is supplying me with stable money and the time to look for other jobs, contemplate what is important to me, and otherwise motivate me to continue my quest. I long for the day that I will feel content with my contribution to the world; to feel as though I have found my place. I am told that this takes time and to be patient. I hear that, but also don't want to waste time doing things that do not connect to my life path.

I took this current job with reservation, but felt that it was the most responsible thing to do at the time. I also knew that there was something to learn from this job. This position is the first full-time management job that I have held. I am patiently waiting, looking and organizing for the time when this job will be over. An unfortunate feeling, but also a realistic one. Sometimes only time will tell.

Sunday Afternoons are Great!

This last Saturday was the first that I didn't have to worry about thesis writing because it was done. James and I had a proper Sunday, which felt like it had been so long. We drove out east and visited the California Cactus Center in Pasadena. I thought we would just be looking at plants, but we decided we would build an arrangement, and it was a really fun afternoon.

Above is a picture of the arrangement that we made together.