Count Down

Today marks exactly one month left of my 20's, and I am unexpectedly clinging to them. I suppose it is the obviousness of the passage of time that really gets me. I feel I have so much left to do before I leave my 20's, yet I can not stop the train. I have to stay on and try to enjoy the ride.

As I look around the components of my life, I do feel rather successful and proud of the life I have created. It is a life of wonder, autonomy and discovery. A life guided by self knowledge and inquisition.

In the remaining time I feel tempted to implement a harsh regiment on one hand, and on the other to get anything stupid out of the way that I have been putting off.

Looking forward I am trying to think what I want to get out of my 30's. I feel that there are many awesome experiences that are coming up in this next decade of my life, and I am working hard to strengthen myself, mentally and physically, for the next stages in my life. I have asked the universe for some pretty big things, and they might just happen, along with all the other stuff that life just drops off on your doorstep.

Let the last countdown begin. I can't image that the next decade will feel the same, but I guess I'll have to wait to find out. I think turning 50 will be the next big one, (mostly because that is what is reflected in popular culture), and that is something that is very pervasive in our consciousness.

Who would have thought that I would have fallen so hard for mushrooms?
Or that I would be turning 30 in Los Angeles?
Or that I would be engaged to such a wonderful man?
Or that I would have finished a masters degree and be contemplating a doctorate?

A decade, especially the 20's, can bring so many surprises.

New Job

Last month I accepted a position back at Side Street Projects where I worked before my current job. It turns out that they had an opening and the director contacting me before making it public. It felt very flattering to be considered for this opportunity, and it came at the perfect time.

I had accepted my current job at ECF Art Center because I wanted the experience of managing an Art Center. I knew that it was not a job that I would stay at long, but I told myself to give it a year. Once the year passed I started fiercely looking. I even investigated going back to school and started doing observation hours at a physical therapy office. I made a goal to get out of my current job by the first of the year. I have a big birthday coming up in February that I didn't want to be in a job I hate.

For the next 2 weeks I will be working 3 jobs: ECF Program Manager, Side Street Projects Operations Manager, and PT Observer (a volunteer position). It is going to be challenging, but I'm looking forward to the extra income it wil produce. I'm also looking forward to being in a job I enjoy. I am excited to have this new opportunity and will update as it moves forward.

Triathlon Completed

Last month in October I completed my first sprint triathlon in Morro Bay California. This sprint version I opted for required 12 miles biking, just over 3 miles running and 1.5 miles kayaking. I came in 98th out of 104 people that competed in the sprint version, but I still felt very proud. You see 3 years ago when I saw this event happen in person I thought that only the toughest person could ever do this type of thing.

The process began about a year and a half ago after my initial introduction to this activity. I decided that I was going to see if I could do this. I started off with running. And when I say running I mean, walking for 45 seconds and running for 15 seconds at a time for 20 minutes total. Then I bought a new bike that was fast, and I started biking to work. Since I opted for the kayaking version I had to try this out as well. I first kayaked in February as a gift to myself, which necessitated that I face a fear of drowning. I slowly checked things off the list that would lead me closer and closer to accomplishing this challenging event. It was all tough and time consuming, but I developed a love of exercise through this process.

The hardest physical part of the triathlon was the beginning. We started with kayaking first, and I was holding my own until about 20 minutes in. I slowly started slipping to the last position. Then after 15 minutes went by and all the other kayakers were pulling into the transition area for the next component of the race. Then another good 30 minutes plus passed with the safety boat and I doing a dance. With my hands cold and cramping I slowed to a near crawl. I thought about stopping, but I couldn't figure out the logistics of that, so I just kept moving forward, slowly. I thought about James, my finance, worrying about me out in the ocean. I pushed on and somehow made it. The rest of the race from there on was much easier, especially since I had been biking and running regularly.

The other challenge of the race was mental. I was not use to training without music, and out there on the open waters it was tough to keep rallying myself to forge ahead. Like I said, I thought about giving up, but then I would miss out on the next part of the race, which I was really excited about. So at times I sang to myself. I took mental breaks to look around at the pelican flying overhead and the seals playing in the water around me.

There were 2 really amazing gifts that I received through this process that I couldn't have imagined. The first was realizing that my body was stronger than I ever thought it could be. Having lived with Rheumatoid Arthritis for 13 years now, I never thought I would be able to do something like this. It felt great to prove those doctors wrong that told me at 16 years old that I would eventually become disabled from this condition, but perhaps that only made me fight harder. The second gift of realization was that this hobby found it's self into my art practice. I found myself incorporating running into my social sculpture practice, and days before the triathlon I was in NYC performing a piece called "Save Yourself: Relay" that relied on me running for hours at a time.

Other things that I learned along the way was the importance of nutrition, discipline, the usefulness of routines, and that training for a triathlon won't necessarily led to the weight goals one wants--bummer. All in all I would definitely recommend this race and activity to others. And if all the exercise doesn't make you feel good, at least there will be free beer at the end of the race.

Last months of my 20's

I've come to realize over the last few years that this process of leaving my 20's has some real implications for concern and reflection. I have around 5 months left and feel myself starting to kick into critique mode. Am I happy with where I am in my life? What do I want to accomplish in my life?

I have always been a very driven person, and some of my friends have encouraged me to slow down, but I like this pace. I like to feel accomplished and to push myself (even though at times it drives me nuts). In general, I like to keep things moving. I feel the clock ticketing and want to get the most of out this life.

If I look at 30 from my 25 year old self I am somewhat surprised by the amount of time things take. At that age I was also more excited to reach this age, because I had so many friends that were turning 30. I was also hopeful that I would have more figured out and I suppose I do, but it all hasn't gone as planned. Certain things that I thought I would have accomplished by now I haven't, like starting my own family, a more developed career path, more money in the bank, the list goes on. However, I am in the process of all of those things, which is a great place to be. It turns out that things just take longer than I thought they would.

I did accomplish some things that I planned on: being engaged, finishing my master's degree, starting a career, leaving Florida, and I'm sure there are more.

And then there are things I accomplished that I wasn't ever planning on doing: learning to run, completing a 5K race, completing a triathlon, living in California, learning to drive a bus, getting my MFA, being someone's boss, being able to give someone a job, and confronting countless fears.

As I get closer to 30, I am starting to accept it. It will be a new chapter of the same book with more twists and turns. I will keep making lists, setting goals and accessing my trajectory. I will have to accept that there are many things that I will not do while in my 20's, but really those were also tough times. I learned some hard lessons in my 20's that I am happy to be leave behind.

In February of 2013 I will update on the visceral changes and realizations that come with being a little older and hopefully wiser.

Leave no Stone Unturned

I'm currently in Los Angeles, spending a few weeks alone while James is in Europe. I'm using this time to think deeply about what I want my life to look like, how to do that with another person, and how to cultivate happiness in my life. I've made some great great progress this week, and have realized that I have some amazing supporters in my life.

I read an article this morning that discussed the power of negative thoughts, include the usage of the word "no." The big take away was that for every negative you need 3 positives. While I certainly have some doubters and ubber realists in my life, I certainly have at least 3 people for every one negative. If you are reading this, then you are probably one of those positives in my life.

So I'm living in Los Angeles, with the man of my dreams, in a job I hate, waiting for the next part of my life to start. Then I realize, why am I waiting for happiness. I need to address my career concerns. So over the last few weeks I have started this process. I won't give away the outcome, because I don't know what it will be, but I will say that I'm on to something. My next plans include taking an anatomy class, leaving my job by the new year, and doing some teaching in the interim.

The quote that has been suggested by one friend was, "leave no stone unturned." And I would like to add, "only if it looks good." By this I mean that it is not a random process, even though it may feel like it. One must follow the spirit.

In the meantime I am off to Europe shortly. Updates from the trip when I return!

A Biker?

Last Sunday I took my bike out for a ride along the Los Angeles River trail. I ended up riding 16 miles in total, and even stopped off at a friend's house in the middle of the ride. Who knew I would love biking so much? Having a good bike, and the equipement that goes along with it really helps (cool helmet, accessible bike pump, bell).

I think this picture of the terrier sums it up for me. When I'm running or biking I just feel like I'm flying, so I guess my soul is pretty down with it. The release of energy is so rewarding, that it's like getting a message at times.

An Anniversary for Running

A few days ago I realized that it was this time last year that I succumb to the nagging desire to hurl my body through space via my legs: running. I had thought, dreamt and daydreamed about those that could run. While it might have seemed that the next natural conclusion was to just try it out for myself there was at least one major psychological block for me, which was the condition of my body to support the effort.

As previously mentioned in a prior post, I have been living with RA since I was 16 years old. This arthritis has and still does plague many joints in my body, and I have been told by doctors that running would not be the best exercise for me. Not complying with most of their other requests for treatment, I thought why start now. After accepting that the doctors could be wrong, I still had to convince myself that my body would not utterly fail me mid-stride to leave me laying on the ground.

The plan that I came up with was inspired by a 8 week plan by the Mayo clinic to slowly turn a walker into a jogger. The rate at which this would be done was so slow, that I figured I had to at least try it. The recommendation was to start by running 15 seconds and then walk 45 seconds over a 20 minute period, and over time, gradually build up longer spurts of running.

The second part of the plan was to create a course near my home, so I was never all that far away. Should I fall, or otherwise become disabled, I would at least be close enough to home that I could potentially just crawl, which thankfully has never been a necessity. The proximity and general privacy of this path gave me the security to fail. It was also so close and convenient that I had a hard time talking myself out of running the way that one can with getting to the gym.

A few months ago I read an article that was based on a study about runners and their bodies. It stated that the previous held doctrines about the stress of running on the body were incorrect. An average runner that ran a few miles a day was found to actually have stronger joints and longevity than those that did not run, as well as those that ran marathon mileage on a weekly basis. It was proven that running in moderation does not damage one's knees, but actually makes them stronger. This was the redemption that I had psychically knew to be true, which gave me the mental green light on my decision to start running.

This last May in 2012 I ran my first 5K. While I didn't "place," I did accomplish a goal that was an important one for me: to run the whole race and finish with my body intact. I proved something to myself that day, that my body is willing to cooperate with the requests that my mind has imposed, and for me, this is a hugh development after spending the last 13 years of my life trying to figure out why my body was quite literally attacking its self on an cellular level. I am now in training for my first triathlon that will take place this October.

making it public

This evening I made a post to the website: Arthritis is Unacceptable. This is associated with the Arthritis Foundation. Below is the post that 2 years ago would have been too difficult to post, but today I recognize as part of the important process of witnessing.

Thirteen years ago I was diagnosed with a cross over condition of RA and Lupus. After being told at age 16 that I would be on medication for the rest of my life I decided to fight back. I restricted my diet, started yoga and never took any drugs. I may have been luckier than most with my symptoms, but I decided early on that arthritis is unacceptable. This May I will be running my first 5K race. Arthritis is unacceptable just like lack of heath care coverage and all of that subsequent anxiety.

Here is the picture that I posted with it:


Here is a link to take action: http://capwiz.com/arthritis/mlm/signup/?ignore_cookie=1

Diploma Arrival

This evening I received my diploma in the mail. It is exciting to have this piece of paper, but it makes me think: What am I suppose to do now? Since August I've been working and liking the stability, but not the job. The current population I am working with is not for me. I have given myself a year and 2 goals with it. This job has also has also bought myself some time to figure out what is next. But back to the diploma. Its here; validating; and mine. I am happy to have accomplished this long term goal of mine. Now onward!

Job Time

With great fortune I was able to land a full time job out of graduate school, with an MFA no less. It has now been 5 weeks of full-time employment with the organization called Exceptional Children's Foundation. This job comes with full-benefits that the organization pays half of and vacation time. My position is the Site Supervisor at their downtown art studio location. I am responsible for supervising 35 adult students with disabilities and 6 instructors.

I should really be thrilled, but alas I am not. I find myself unhappy working with this population and feel that there is still yet something calling me. Transitioning from the intellectual world of graduate school to social services where I work with limited intellectual capacities has been very difficult. At the very least I think I should be doing public programming or community building, like the job I left that couldn't really pay me for what I was doing.

Another part of the discontentment is the mission of the program. There is a strong focus on the art product that is being produced and not the process of art making. For a lot of the clients there is also a lack of intellectual understanding that makes the workings of the program border on the line of unethical. However, I took the job 1) for the need and 2) to see if there was anyway that I could improve the program.

In the meantime this job is supplying me with stable money and the time to look for other jobs, contemplate what is important to me, and otherwise motivate me to continue my quest. I long for the day that I will feel content with my contribution to the world; to feel as though I have found my place. I am told that this takes time and to be patient. I hear that, but also don't want to waste time doing things that do not connect to my life path.

I took this current job with reservation, but felt that it was the most responsible thing to do at the time. I also knew that there was something to learn from this job. This position is the first full-time management job that I have held. I am patiently waiting, looking and organizing for the time when this job will be over. An unfortunate feeling, but also a realistic one. Sometimes only time will tell.

Sunday Afternoons are Great!

This last Saturday was the first that I didn't have to worry about thesis writing because it was done. James and I had a proper Sunday, which felt like it had been so long. We drove out east and visited the California Cactus Center in Pasadena. I thought we would just be looking at plants, but we decided we would build an arrangement, and it was a really fun afternoon.

Above is a picture of the arrangement that we made together.

Honor the Process

After writing about the dilemma of professional pursuits in the field of art in my other blog "Creating a Public Practice", I am wondering where life will take me after I graduate next month, and am reminded of the Robert Frost poem: Road Not Taken. As a way to honor this difficult life path that I am on, I thought I would post that poem here as a reminder to myself and others.



Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Getting Closer!

Today we formalized our invitation as a clas for our group exhibition. This culminating event for graduation will be held in May, and the install begins late April. Here is the image of our postcard for the exhibit. Not to brag, but the Concept and image were my idea. I'm really just glad that we didn't have our faces all over the thing. Its not really suppose to be about us, but rather the artwork.

If you are in the LA area, or are able to get out of town to visit, I do hope you can join me for this event.

Opening: Pulse and Parcel

This year I had my first solo-show opening at Side Street Projects in Pasadena, CA. The install took me about 2 weeks to complete, totally around 40 hours. This is definitely one of my most ambitious projects to date, and the largest as far as scale and conceptual scope. All that said, the opening was also a success. The afternoon opening of about 30 people brought people from different communities together for a two hour window of parcel claiming and spatial engagement.

My 28th Birthday

This year for my birthday was vastly different than last year, as I was heavily consumed with my first solo-show opening at Side Street Projects. There are 3 pieces featured there, including a 3/4 acres outdoor installation that will remain up for 1.5 months. This installation was very time consuming and a new feat for me. I did however, take the day off of installing for my birthday, but did spend most of the day at school in class.

At the end of the day I came home to my awesome partner in life that had a home-made cake waiting. To continue the celebratory feel, we went to a local wine and tapas restaurant called Brix in Silver Lake, CA. After sampling a few flavors and some wine we headed back home to cut into the cake, opening some presents and rest a little before the next day started again.

This birthday I gave myself one of the best birthday gifts, a successful opening!

Update - Thesis & Work

It's been a long time since I have updated here, but it needed to be done. I am now in my last semester at Otis and working on my thesis project entitled, "Pulse & Parcel."


This is Side Street Projects, the place that I have been working as the Community Programs Manager and Alternative Routes Teacher. I am also been allowed to execute my community component and sculptural land component at the sight.


Here is a detail of the flagging tape that I am using to demarcate an individual plot.


This is a photo of a test plot. I am trying out the materials to see how they hold up to weather.

More updates to come!

Thanksgiving 2010

For Thanksgiving this year we decided to spend it together. Between the both of us being in school, we haven't had real quality time together. It was a real treat to get out of the motorcycle and head up to our favorite little spot: Morro Bay. We weren't able to get a room at our usual hotel, so we opted for another, pricey place and decided to only stay one night. We drove up Thanksgiving day, encountered a little traffic on the coast, but made it by 3pm. After checking into the hotel we changed and headed out to our favorite little wine shop for a tasting, where I had a great Beaujolais. Next to dinner at Windows on the Water, where we had a front row seat to the sunset. It was very romantic and the food was great!


the sunset during dinner


the view from our hotel balcony


Ready to ride back home!

Halloween 2010

This year for Halloween James andn I dressed up as gnomes. I didn't get a photo of the both of us, but here is a photo of just me. We went to a friend's house for a party. We also baked 2 large pumpkins, and picked our pumpkins from Cal Poly's pumpkin patch again this year.

My Costume:


We also went to a dog costume at our neighborhood dog park in Silver Lake, CA.


Good Times!

Back to School...and Work!

Months have gone by since I swore up and down that I was moving on from Otis and not going to finish my MFA. Well, over the summer I spent my time job searching and interviewing for the few jobs out there. It was scary times, and while I got real close to a few jobs, it was a lot of rejection.

It was down to a week away from when school would have been starting for me, and I had just had an awesome interview with a really cool arts education non-profit in Pasadena. I had pulled out all the stops for this interview and felt really good about it. After a couple of days without hearing back, I started feeling bad about leaving another program, and felt like I just wanted this degree for what ever reason, that I couldn't explain or quantify.

I talked to my program director and somehow had convinced her into giving me more scholarship money and accepting all of my transfer credits. That means I would only need to take 4 more classes to finish this degree. Finally I heard from the job that they had hired someone else, someone that had just graduated from my program. This really made the decision for me, and with the new deal I had worked out with the school, I was going back, just like that. Months worth of stress and laboring over decisions, how to make decisions and utter denial was all resolved in 3 days. Sometimes time fixes things.

In going back to school, I was able to convince this non-profit, to create a position for me, and hire me on part-time. They would partially be paying me through my work-study. So going back to school actually gave me a job. At least I won't risk spending a year job searching and can finish this degree--part-time at that!

I am also still planning to apply to 2 graduate programs this year for the following year. One is in Urban Planning, and could be finished part-time while I start working. The other is a full-time program in Public Health. I realized that no one job path/degree is going to give me what I'm looking for. So the plan is that I will do both. Create a professional option where I can make money in an ethically responsible way and fund my own artwork.

This is of course only the plan for now, and I am open to new opportunities and change, so only time will tell, but I'm looking forward and enjoying the present.

Meditation Challenge

Its summertime and I'm in between all kinds of important life decisions. If ever there was a time to learn meditation, now is it. I had been thinking about meditation for some time, but never really "got it." Thanks to a random email from the Deepak Chopra Center, they made me an offer I couldn't resist. The free meditation challenge is 21 consecutive days of using guided meditation. Each day they send me an email with a different technique that I can try out. These meditations are short, like 10-12 mins. I was surprised to realize that after 3 days I was actually feeling a sense of calmness. Call it what you will, but I call it a new addition to my life and routine. Those few minutes of quiet each day feel like a total gift.

I am currently on day 11 and will update after I am through the 21 day challenge.