Count Down

Today marks exactly one month left of my 20's, and I am unexpectedly clinging to them. I suppose it is the obviousness of the passage of time that really gets me. I feel I have so much left to do before I leave my 20's, yet I can not stop the train. I have to stay on and try to enjoy the ride.

As I look around the components of my life, I do feel rather successful and proud of the life I have created. It is a life of wonder, autonomy and discovery. A life guided by self knowledge and inquisition.

In the remaining time I feel tempted to implement a harsh regiment on one hand, and on the other to get anything stupid out of the way that I have been putting off.

Looking forward I am trying to think what I want to get out of my 30's. I feel that there are many awesome experiences that are coming up in this next decade of my life, and I am working hard to strengthen myself, mentally and physically, for the next stages in my life. I have asked the universe for some pretty big things, and they might just happen, along with all the other stuff that life just drops off on your doorstep.

Let the last countdown begin. I can't image that the next decade will feel the same, but I guess I'll have to wait to find out. I think turning 50 will be the next big one, (mostly because that is what is reflected in popular culture), and that is something that is very pervasive in our consciousness.

Who would have thought that I would have fallen so hard for mushrooms?
Or that I would be turning 30 in Los Angeles?
Or that I would be engaged to such a wonderful man?
Or that I would have finished a masters degree and be contemplating a doctorate?

A decade, especially the 20's, can bring so many surprises.

New Job

Last month I accepted a position back at Side Street Projects where I worked before my current job. It turns out that they had an opening and the director contacting me before making it public. It felt very flattering to be considered for this opportunity, and it came at the perfect time.

I had accepted my current job at ECF Art Center because I wanted the experience of managing an Art Center. I knew that it was not a job that I would stay at long, but I told myself to give it a year. Once the year passed I started fiercely looking. I even investigated going back to school and started doing observation hours at a physical therapy office. I made a goal to get out of my current job by the first of the year. I have a big birthday coming up in February that I didn't want to be in a job I hate.

For the next 2 weeks I will be working 3 jobs: ECF Program Manager, Side Street Projects Operations Manager, and PT Observer (a volunteer position). It is going to be challenging, but I'm looking forward to the extra income it wil produce. I'm also looking forward to being in a job I enjoy. I am excited to have this new opportunity and will update as it moves forward.

Triathlon Completed

Last month in October I completed my first sprint triathlon in Morro Bay California. This sprint version I opted for required 12 miles biking, just over 3 miles running and 1.5 miles kayaking. I came in 98th out of 104 people that competed in the sprint version, but I still felt very proud. You see 3 years ago when I saw this event happen in person I thought that only the toughest person could ever do this type of thing.

The process began about a year and a half ago after my initial introduction to this activity. I decided that I was going to see if I could do this. I started off with running. And when I say running I mean, walking for 45 seconds and running for 15 seconds at a time for 20 minutes total. Then I bought a new bike that was fast, and I started biking to work. Since I opted for the kayaking version I had to try this out as well. I first kayaked in February as a gift to myself, which necessitated that I face a fear of drowning. I slowly checked things off the list that would lead me closer and closer to accomplishing this challenging event. It was all tough and time consuming, but I developed a love of exercise through this process.

The hardest physical part of the triathlon was the beginning. We started with kayaking first, and I was holding my own until about 20 minutes in. I slowly started slipping to the last position. Then after 15 minutes went by and all the other kayakers were pulling into the transition area for the next component of the race. Then another good 30 minutes plus passed with the safety boat and I doing a dance. With my hands cold and cramping I slowed to a near crawl. I thought about stopping, but I couldn't figure out the logistics of that, so I just kept moving forward, slowly. I thought about James, my finance, worrying about me out in the ocean. I pushed on and somehow made it. The rest of the race from there on was much easier, especially since I had been biking and running regularly.

The other challenge of the race was mental. I was not use to training without music, and out there on the open waters it was tough to keep rallying myself to forge ahead. Like I said, I thought about giving up, but then I would miss out on the next part of the race, which I was really excited about. So at times I sang to myself. I took mental breaks to look around at the pelican flying overhead and the seals playing in the water around me.

There were 2 really amazing gifts that I received through this process that I couldn't have imagined. The first was realizing that my body was stronger than I ever thought it could be. Having lived with Rheumatoid Arthritis for 13 years now, I never thought I would be able to do something like this. It felt great to prove those doctors wrong that told me at 16 years old that I would eventually become disabled from this condition, but perhaps that only made me fight harder. The second gift of realization was that this hobby found it's self into my art practice. I found myself incorporating running into my social sculpture practice, and days before the triathlon I was in NYC performing a piece called "Save Yourself: Relay" that relied on me running for hours at a time.

Other things that I learned along the way was the importance of nutrition, discipline, the usefulness of routines, and that training for a triathlon won't necessarily led to the weight goals one wants--bummer. All in all I would definitely recommend this race and activity to others. And if all the exercise doesn't make you feel good, at least there will be free beer at the end of the race.

Last months of my 20's

I've come to realize over the last few years that this process of leaving my 20's has some real implications for concern and reflection. I have around 5 months left and feel myself starting to kick into critique mode. Am I happy with where I am in my life? What do I want to accomplish in my life?

I have always been a very driven person, and some of my friends have encouraged me to slow down, but I like this pace. I like to feel accomplished and to push myself (even though at times it drives me nuts). In general, I like to keep things moving. I feel the clock ticketing and want to get the most of out this life.

If I look at 30 from my 25 year old self I am somewhat surprised by the amount of time things take. At that age I was also more excited to reach this age, because I had so many friends that were turning 30. I was also hopeful that I would have more figured out and I suppose I do, but it all hasn't gone as planned. Certain things that I thought I would have accomplished by now I haven't, like starting my own family, a more developed career path, more money in the bank, the list goes on. However, I am in the process of all of those things, which is a great place to be. It turns out that things just take longer than I thought they would.

I did accomplish some things that I planned on: being engaged, finishing my master's degree, starting a career, leaving Florida, and I'm sure there are more.

And then there are things I accomplished that I wasn't ever planning on doing: learning to run, completing a 5K race, completing a triathlon, living in California, learning to drive a bus, getting my MFA, being someone's boss, being able to give someone a job, and confronting countless fears.

As I get closer to 30, I am starting to accept it. It will be a new chapter of the same book with more twists and turns. I will keep making lists, setting goals and accessing my trajectory. I will have to accept that there are many things that I will not do while in my 20's, but really those were also tough times. I learned some hard lessons in my 20's that I am happy to be leave behind.

In February of 2013 I will update on the visceral changes and realizations that come with being a little older and hopefully wiser.

Leave no Stone Unturned

I'm currently in Los Angeles, spending a few weeks alone while James is in Europe. I'm using this time to think deeply about what I want my life to look like, how to do that with another person, and how to cultivate happiness in my life. I've made some great great progress this week, and have realized that I have some amazing supporters in my life.

I read an article this morning that discussed the power of negative thoughts, include the usage of the word "no." The big take away was that for every negative you need 3 positives. While I certainly have some doubters and ubber realists in my life, I certainly have at least 3 people for every one negative. If you are reading this, then you are probably one of those positives in my life.

So I'm living in Los Angeles, with the man of my dreams, in a job I hate, waiting for the next part of my life to start. Then I realize, why am I waiting for happiness. I need to address my career concerns. So over the last few weeks I have started this process. I won't give away the outcome, because I don't know what it will be, but I will say that I'm on to something. My next plans include taking an anatomy class, leaving my job by the new year, and doing some teaching in the interim.

The quote that has been suggested by one friend was, "leave no stone unturned." And I would like to add, "only if it looks good." By this I mean that it is not a random process, even though it may feel like it. One must follow the spirit.

In the meantime I am off to Europe shortly. Updates from the trip when I return!

A Biker?

Last Sunday I took my bike out for a ride along the Los Angeles River trail. I ended up riding 16 miles in total, and even stopped off at a friend's house in the middle of the ride. Who knew I would love biking so much? Having a good bike, and the equipement that goes along with it really helps (cool helmet, accessible bike pump, bell).

I think this picture of the terrier sums it up for me. When I'm running or biking I just feel like I'm flying, so I guess my soul is pretty down with it. The release of energy is so rewarding, that it's like getting a message at times.

An Anniversary for Running

A few days ago I realized that it was this time last year that I succumb to the nagging desire to hurl my body through space via my legs: running. I had thought, dreamt and daydreamed about those that could run. While it might have seemed that the next natural conclusion was to just try it out for myself there was at least one major psychological block for me, which was the condition of my body to support the effort.

As previously mentioned in a prior post, I have been living with RA since I was 16 years old. This arthritis has and still does plague many joints in my body, and I have been told by doctors that running would not be the best exercise for me. Not complying with most of their other requests for treatment, I thought why start now. After accepting that the doctors could be wrong, I still had to convince myself that my body would not utterly fail me mid-stride to leave me laying on the ground.

The plan that I came up with was inspired by a 8 week plan by the Mayo clinic to slowly turn a walker into a jogger. The rate at which this would be done was so slow, that I figured I had to at least try it. The recommendation was to start by running 15 seconds and then walk 45 seconds over a 20 minute period, and over time, gradually build up longer spurts of running.

The second part of the plan was to create a course near my home, so I was never all that far away. Should I fall, or otherwise become disabled, I would at least be close enough to home that I could potentially just crawl, which thankfully has never been a necessity. The proximity and general privacy of this path gave me the security to fail. It was also so close and convenient that I had a hard time talking myself out of running the way that one can with getting to the gym.

A few months ago I read an article that was based on a study about runners and their bodies. It stated that the previous held doctrines about the stress of running on the body were incorrect. An average runner that ran a few miles a day was found to actually have stronger joints and longevity than those that did not run, as well as those that ran marathon mileage on a weekly basis. It was proven that running in moderation does not damage one's knees, but actually makes them stronger. This was the redemption that I had psychically knew to be true, which gave me the mental green light on my decision to start running.

This last May in 2012 I ran my first 5K. While I didn't "place," I did accomplish a goal that was an important one for me: to run the whole race and finish with my body intact. I proved something to myself that day, that my body is willing to cooperate with the requests that my mind has imposed, and for me, this is a hugh development after spending the last 13 years of my life trying to figure out why my body was quite literally attacking its self on an cellular level. I am now in training for my first triathlon that will take place this October.